Premarital Sex & Deception

These nine deceptive mindsets about premarital sex are a simplified version of what is in a book I wrote and published in 2000, at age 20.

Many people have fallen into the world’s way of thinking and dealing with sexual activity before marriage and solutions to the problems that rise because of it.

The following are several lies or harmful beliefs about premarital sex that we are being fed by society and our culture from people who are either genuinely ignorant or deceitful for their own purposes and agenda. I admit that at one time in my life, I would have agreed with some of them.

Premarital Sex Deception #1

“Virginity can mean different things to different people.”

Like every decision we make, sin is birthed in the heart, thought about in the mind, and finally, at the will of the person, is acted out. Lusting after someone in your heart is already considered adultery because God looks at our hearts.

Our hearts are the center of our being and where our real desires are buried. Is a virgin someone who has successfully stayed away from one act of sexual pleasure, but messes around a little through other sexual positions and encounters?

The strictest definition has been of someone that has never "gone all the way". Sure, the traditional definition is more of an emotional "milestone" and has more consequences such as pregnancy and increased likelihood of getting a disease. But practically speaking and in my view, virginity upholds the high honor of pertaining to someone who is pure and doesn't have sexual experience of any kind.

We are given many definitions of virginity. Whatever term you want to use and however you want to use it, remember that God calls us to purity. There’s no way we can sneak around it to fulfill the lusts of the flesh while simultaneously remaining pure.

Think about it this way: If what you are doing is awakening your sexuality, giving you sexual pleasure before marriage, or going against what God wants, don’t do it.

Definition of "virgin soil": Not hitherto used, touched, tilled, or worked upon by man.

Premarital Sex Deception #2

“It’s okay to sexually stimulate yourself or your partner while you are remaining pure or a virgin until marriage.”

Purity is not being mostly clean with a blemish here, a spot there, and a wrinkle there. Pure: “Hagnos, ‘pure from defilement, not contaminated’... it was used of unmixed substances... Hagneia, synonymous with ‘purity,’ occurs in 1 Tim. 4:12; 5:2, where it denotes the chastity which excludes all impurity of spirit, manner, or act” (Ref: Vine’s Dictionary).

Pure is pure and stimulating yourself will only bring out the raging giant within you which may entice you to have premarital sex. Even if you are able to control yourself from further sexual activity, you have already gone too far.

Any irregular self-stimulation or exploration that is done out of curiosity at a young age should not be formed into a habit.

What your hands are constantly on, your mind is constantly on. Be busy for the Lord, not your selfish desires.

When my husband and I were dating, sex was not the priority in our relationship. Honestly, we did not remain pure, though. Perhaps we would have if we had good, Christian guidance and direction.

Because my husband (then-boyfriend) joined the military, we experienced a lot of agonizing separation. I saw "pleasuring" myself as unnecessary and selfish.

I didn't need him so I could be pleasured. I needed him because I loved him. So, when we were apart, I yearned for his companionship, not sexual pleasure.

Sex is something for two people to share. It's about giving and not just what you can get out of it. Yes, it's enjoyable in a very human and powerful way and that's okay. But, in my mind, the most important and enjoyable aspect is the sharing.

Premarital Sex Deception #3

“Premarital sex is important for getting to know your body and what satisfies you sexually.”

Sex satisfies you sexually. Work out the details when you get married. Now that that’s covered, I’ll move on.

If we all had to know exactly what to do and what we liked before we had sex, how in the world could we ever get around to actually doing it? And, why in the world would you rather practice on whoever is willing to jump in bed with you than with your spouse to whom you are committed and have gone as far as vowing to them and God?

Many people don’t realize what they are vowing to when they get married. They just ramble out the words and keep on living however they feel like living.

Furthermore, if you plan to love and value your future spouse so much that you want to get sex right the “first” time (first time with them, anyway), why would such a strong love not fuel a desire in you to keep yourself pure for them?

Shouldn’t your spouse get all of you and the best of you? Or, would you rather offer the love of your life leftovers? Would you not rather have fun exploring sex with your spouse while you continue to get to know them in other ways?

Despite what society and people may try to convince you of, you can make the right decision. You do have a choice. Know that you don’t have to give in to temptation to have premarital sex and that you really can remain pure both in your heart and with your body.

When you get married and you know that you know that you know you are supposed to be married to that person, you’ll do just fine in the sex department.

Why do we underestimate the plans of Almighty God? It is because many people don’t know Him and automatically think that since we are not perfect, no one is, including God.

They’d much rather feel around in the dark, so to speak, go through relentless trial and error never having the right answers to their same old questions, and make all the unnecessary, miserable mistakes of living their life their own way.

God knows everything that is needed for sexual satisfaction in marriage. A relationship with God is key to getting the solutions and help we need in every area of our life, which was given and planned out by Him.

God will bring to you the person who you are supposed to marry if you wait on Him and remain faithful. If you marry the person God has for you, respectively, everything will be just fine and you’ll be able to work things out. Until then, focus on God and your relationship with Him.

Take the time to be prepared by God for marriage if that is what you want now or later on. You needn’t fear that your marriage, which should be built on love, communication, commitment, selflessness, compassion, intimacy with God, intimacy with your spouse, and sexual intimacy, will be destroyed because you can’t perfect the sexual intimacy factor within the first week of marriage to satisfy each other.

It doesn’t matter if you have had premarital sex or not, you will have to, in every area of your marriage, continue to work things out and communicate to your spouse. If you can’t do that, you aren’t fit for marriage, yet.

Premarital Sex Deception #4

“Oral sex isn’t sex. Only intercourse is sex.”

It’s funny how we will take an activity which 50 percent of its name is “sex” but not consider it to be sex. I used to not consider oral sex to be actual sex as far as remaining a virgin, but now it’s as plain as day.

Listen, if you want to be a virgin until your wedding day, don’t have sex of any kind and keep yourself pure, even in your heart and thought-life. Yes, your thought-life is that important.

It’s amazing what a person can accomplish with God. My whole life has been turned around for the better because God is my “Business Partner.” Don’t say that you can’t do something just because it seems impossible. All things are possible with God.

Premarital Sex Deception #5

“A female can and should dress sexy to declare her confidence.”

Don’t purposely advertise what you don’t want to sell. We can’t play around with our sexuality and still be wise.

When I see women and girls dressing foolishly, it is not an impressive poise that I see; though I won’t mention what it is I do see.

Seriously though...

We cannot choose before we are born whether or not we are going to have an attractive body, but we can choose how we present ourselves and what we allow others to view. Confidence is demonstrated by modesty and your focus on Christ, not in deception and teasing.

I am not bad looking, but I don’t try to prove something to people by wearing clothes that scream, “Hey, check me out! Don’t I look good and enticing? Look at my great confidence! Can’t I just tease you a little bit? Don’t even think of getting your hopes up, Mister!” That is sending mixed messages.

People don’t know what you’re thinking or what your intentions are. They only know what their instinct tells them based on what you do, say, and look like. And, the first thing people notice is what you are wearing.

If you wear a blue or red vest and name tag in a grocery store, you will be mistaken for a clerk and confronted with questions and suggestions that you most likely won’t be expecting, be able to answer satisfactorily, or be ready for. Don’t chance that you will be mistaken for someone you are not, by posing as someone you are not.

Dressing sexy may show that you are content with your body, but it also shows that you lack confidence in your more valuable attributes and God. It's as if you don't believe that you have more to offer than your body. Is that the message you really want to send?

You are valuable and worthy of respect and honorable admiration for your modesty. Believe it, dress like it, act like it... Demand it.

If you are truly secure and content, your focus would be on Christ and carrying out His will. A girl or woman who finds it necessary for some reason to show off her physical “assets” is in need of confidence and security in Christ. It doesn’t mean that she has it already and is merely making it evident.

If you are primarily concerned with looking sexy, you are still on a superficial level. It’s time to go deeper and really start to live and behold the power of the living God in your life.

Premarital Sex Deception #6

“If you don’t have premarital sex, you won’t know how to effectively and satisfactorily perform on your wedding night.”

Mercy, no! We can’t let that happen! God forbid you and your spouse remain pure and on your wedding night not be able to make love with your spouse and the one or 80 different people your spouse could have slept with if they didn’t choose abstinence.

There would be nothing new and fresh about it. Sex is a wonderful gift that is meant to be opened and explored in marriage. Why be afraid that by waiting to have sex on your wedding night, you would not be able to do effectively something that God designed and planned for us to do?

We are not supposed to have everything in our life revolve around our own sexual pleasure. That bears repeating. We are not supposed to have everything in our life revolve around our own sexual pleasure.

Sexual energy is something that approaches most of us long before marriage, but only a spoiled brat will have a tantrum over something they want that they are not in the position to have. When their life is a wreck and they keep making one dumb decision after another, they just can’t figure out what’s wrong. What’s wrong is God is not first in every area of their life.

Premarital Sex Deception #7

“If you wait to have sex, you may not be able to let go of your desire to abstain from sex when it comes time to begin a sexual relationship with your spouse.”

It amazes me the things we think of. Of course, it would be bad if someone couldn’t let go and begin that important sexual relationship with their spouse for an extended period of time.

But, I doubt that too many people who waited and married their spouse for the right reasons would actually have a hard time getting sexually intimate. Besides, if they need help opening up sexually after having held back so long, they can get help.

That wasn’t so hard now was it?

Premarital Sex Deception #8

“It’s only really important that we educate our girls about staying pure, but not so much the guys.”

Why? So the girls will be the only one wanting to do what’s right and be faced with a guy that wants to take advantage of her? She’ll be fighting an uphill battle along side a soldier who has no armor or weaponry to help her (to help each other) overcome sexual temptation.

Instead of being friends and partners, they will become enemies with different agendas and principles. Why not raise both our girls and boys to stay pure so together they can avoid wrong behavior?

Additionally, if you believe that girls should stay pure, but you don’t care if your son has premarital sex, exactly what kind of person would your son be having sex with but someone else’s daughter: a.k.a. a girl?

Premarital Sex Deception #9

“As long as you are in a committed relationship, it’s okay to have premarital sex.”

It sounds good, but is it true? Not by God’s standard. Also, what some people call a committed relationship is a far cry from actual commitment. A tell-tale sign of strong commitment is marriage. Remember the rhyme, “...First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes [sex and] a baby in the baby carriage”?

There is an important difference between ungodly and godly people who believe abstinence is best.

At best, the ungodly person starts at the medical, physical, and psychological cons of having premarital sex and ends up at, “But, if you’re willing to risk it and think you’re ready for sex, go ahead.” They have no absolute structure to stand on in times of intense emotion, double-mindedness, and fear. Their only way of escape is to give in.

A godly person starts at the truth of God and ends up at, “Use wisdom and abstain from all immoral sex with the strength of God.” There is, at last, something solid we can stand on and not fall off because of shifting plates and variables of what we are feeling from one moment to the next.

In every temptation, God provides a way of escape that leads to victory over sin and bondage (1 Corinthians 10:13). Only one example is strong, firm, and beneficial.

Many Christmas traditions can be likened to some people’s lives regarding opening the gift of sex. The brightly colored package is there, waiting for you to tear open its covering to reveal the fortune inside.

You have made it as far as the Eve of marriage - you’ve gotten engaged to be married, you are feeling good about yourself, and still haven’t had sex. You still haven't opened any of your Christmas presents.

In anticipation, you decide that you have waited long enough so you rush over to your “stocking” and peer inside to catch a glimpse of your, until now, hidden treasures—you begin having oral sex.

You’ve gotten bored with the little stuff in the stocking so you move on to the bigger and brighter packages under the tree - you begin having intercourse with your fiancé.

Still not satisfied and with many more gifts addressed to you that have yet to be opened, you reach for them and rip them open without a moment put to waste. You have now gone from sexual purity and being so close to reaching your initial goal to letting your flesh take over and becoming sexually active.

Christmas morning comes - your wedding day has arrived, and all you see is torn wrapping paper lining the floor. What special gift do you have to open? There is great reward when pleasure is put off until your appointed time to connect with it.

I used this example because there are a lot of people who had or are having premarital sex, but not before engagement or with a bunch of people. You may be thinking or have thought that you were in the clear and not doing anything wrong because you were getting married anyway and it’s not like you had sex with anyone else.

You won’t blow up into a million pieces if you have premarital sex, but aside from everything that we know could happen, God did not plan for us to live that way. My heart is continually touched at how God is so passionate about the well-being and purity of His children.

Commit To Saving Sex For Marriage

Will you give God the pleasure of knowing that another one of His children aspires to be just like Him in all His holiness, purity, righteousness, and truth? Every loving parent wants their children to inherit and grow into their own best qualities. God is no different.

It seems like anything that is a challenge is something we don’t want to do. A person who wants to grow and be successful will take on a challenge. A lazy person will always take the easy way out and do whatever they feel like doing.

I would say that you can’t make it in the real world like that, but we have built our nation and morals around our selfish desires and sinful nature.

All of the above nine phrases about premarital sex are not wise conclusions we have come to as a modern society with marvelous, increased knowledge. They are excuses to feed our yearning for sin and not feel bad or repentant about it.

Many people can’t fathom the thought that someone would actually want to or be able to abstain from premarital sexual gratification in this world and century. That is why so much wrong advice is being given to children by adults.

As our nation explodes in knowledge and self-dependency, we lose the more valuable wisdom and revelation as we turn away from our Creator.

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