Discipline Techniques

Getting It Right

Master discipline techniques to create a well-behaved, well-mannered child. Impossible in today's world? No!



When it comes to parenting, far too often people who don’t “approve” of something you are doing offer criticism or a haughty attitude. When people do that, they are more often thinking of themselves.

How uncomfortable they are and their opinion overshadows the superiority of your success with discipline techniques. Which in turn creates success for everyone involved.

You see, it takes time, compassion, and even humility to show care for someone. It's a lot easier just to rudely criticize or gossip.

True friendship and support can be hard to find. But, you can find the support you need to apply discipline techniques (hopefully right here).

I questioned myself often and still do sometimes about whether or not I am using the right form of discipline and the right way at the right time.

Is this the time to talk gently to her or to sternly warn of an impending time out? Should I purposely ignore this behavior? Or would I be out of my mind to not take control of the situation and bring it to an end?

I have been in a situation where literally whichever option I chose would be the wrong one according to outside criticism. This leaves you feeling more pressured and hopeless.

Too often, we expect other people to do things perfectly and we don't tolerate ignorance or even any perceived lack of responsibility or effort. Meanwhile, we don't hold our own selves up to that standard.

We judge other people by their actions, but we judge ourselves by our intentions. That's just not a balanced viewpoint.

When my daughter's bad behavior progressively spun out of control, I identified where I was consistently going wrong. I began to structure my discipline using discipline techniques.

To be effective with child discipline, you have to understand what it means to discipline and how to do it. I used to think I was properly disciplining, it was my daughter that had the problem, she just wouldn't comply!

Hello! I had a revelation! I rolled up my sleeves, committed to giving my daughter the disciplinary "attention" she needed, and after being consistent (key!), her behavior turned around.

Important Note About Discipline Techniques

All the "punishment" in the world probably won't mold and shape your child into a respectable, inwardly-motivated, loving adult. Children need and deserve respect as much as you do.

Some may say that even putting children in time out is just another harsh punishment, but in my experience, time-outs joined with plenty of love, listening, and problem-solving has been a distinct help.

Another Important Note About Discipline Techniques

Though I appreciate what has resulted from using the time out method as outlined below (specifically at ages 2 and 3), I have learned much from my daughter by listening to her. We should be careful to not go off on tangents and actually do what I call over-parenting.

Even at four years old, my daughter was witty and "thinking" enough to tell me what she needed and what would be the best course of action in response to her "problem moments".

There were times when I was gung-ho about putting her in time out, but backed off because I could see her genuinely attempting to get me to approach her behavior and deal with it differently.

She didn't see the need to sit in a chair for a time out anymore. She wanted to do something about her behavior now and move on and do better next time. I learned to see and realize that she was ready to move from time outs to more "grown up" ways of communicating.

Yes, she hated time outs and what kid wouldn't. BUT, she wanted me to relate to her on a different, higher level. She was telling me that she was ready to work on her problems, too, but we needed to progress to a new method of correcting them.

I think we should remain open to changing our perspective on discipline techniques and how we help our children to learn the value of making good choices by at least not going against our instincts.

Something important to remember when considering and using discipline techniques is that parenting is often more about the parent than the child. As parents, we are (should be) always learning. Learn to parent more peacefully and respectfully. Give your children respect, generosity, trust, and admiration and they will respond in kind.

I hope I articulated my thoughts well enough for you to understand what I'm trying to say. But, that's it, for what it's worth to you. :)

House Rules

I never wrote out and posted "house rules", though I almost did. However, we do have "rules to live by" and I reiterate each of them often with my daughter. She knows it is not acceptable to hit, yell, be selfish, be aggressive, have a bad attitude, etc.

She also knows that there will be a consequence of some sort and to some degree if she does not control herself.

Time Out

One of the most often used discipline techniques in my home is time out. I began putting my daughter in time out when she was 2 years old. She spent a lot time in a chair, against a wall. Sometimes she even fell asleep in time out!

That was a tough time in parenting to put it lightly. But, it was necessary and I'm so glad that I didn't back down, give up, and stay defeated with a consistently out of control and disobedient child.

5 Steps To An Effective Time Out

When your child misbehaves, give them a warning that if they do it again, they will go to time out (or whatever you call it).

Clearly explain to your child what they did wrong and that it is unacceptable behavior. Always maintain a low and serious tone of voice as opposed to raising your voice or speaking out of anger.

Nothing is gained from losing control as the parent while your child is struggling to control his or herself. It only makes following through with discipline techniques more challenging.

2. Place the child in the time out spot

Once your child continues with the bad behavior, put them in the prepared spot (on a step, rug, or chair). This space should not be stimulating for the child.

Tell the child why they are in time out and how long they will stay there (1 minute per year of age).

3. Be consistent

Consistency is the deal-maker for successful outcomes of discipline techniques. It is common for children to resist your authority to stay in the time out space or seated on the chair, so be prepared to stick it out.

First, remember that silence from you is in order at this point. This is not the time to engage in conversation with your child. Don't even say their name or look them in the eye. Firmly, but gently put them back where you first placed them - as often as you need to until they stay seated from start to finish for the required time period (1 minute per year of age).

If your child is like mine, they will push you to your utter limits. But, remember to stay calm, leave the room so your child doesn't have an audience, and just keep an eye on them that they are staying put.

4. Explain reason for time out & solicit an apology

After your child has properly stayed in time out for the required length of time, go over to them and get down to their level and simply explain why you put them there.

Your tone of voice is crucial. Set the tone by speaking in an authoritative, but controlled, voice.

The next step is a very important ending to this discipline technique. Tell your child, "Now, I want you to apologize to me." When he or she apologizes, smile and show your child some love. :) Take them into your arms and give kisses, etc.

The apology should not be side-stepped or down-played. Your child may refuse or yell it out rudely just to get it over with.

Don't accept that. Tell the child that they will stay in time out until you receive a proper apology. At that point they may or may not be willing. So, do what you have to do.

Even though you are so close to ending the time out (and are looking forward to moving on), stay here until your child says, "I'm sorry". Many times I make my daughter continue and tell me what she was sorry for.

Don't rush the process. The more attention you pay to important details while employing discipline techniques, the better the results will be.

5. Give your child encouraging words for completing the time out properly by saying something like "That's my girl!", "Good boy!", or "Thank you!" You can move on now to continue what you were doing and put the whole thing behind you.

Persistent or Prideful: Which one are you?

If I was a betting person, I would bet that the same people who complain about their child's behavior, who in the same breath remark that they don't have time to follow through with this discipline technique, also have continuous problems with their child's behavior (and they wonder why).

It's a cycle. If you are given the tools, but resist and snub the idea of taking the time to enforce proven discipline, an excellent character and future for your child are just not very important to you.

What? All that is important to you? Then I can identify with you... in that case it's just your pride that is holding you back from learning from others...

This is what pride sounds like: "I already know everything I need to know, it's just that things aren't working out like they should/I want them to," "That's nice that those discipline techniques work for you, but they're just not for me," "Yeah, yeah, I tried that, it doesn't work. My kids just won't listen."

Your kids will do whatever you allow them to do. They can learn to do what you want them to do.

A well-behaved, well-mannered, and overall disciplined child is what we are responsible for molding. That's your dream, isn't it? Make it happen by putting forth this effort.

Tips & Encouragement

Be careful not to go into using discipline techniques with a mindset of I hope he or she learns the time out rules quickly and just stays where I put them!

If you don't prepare yourself mentally to be committed for the long haul, it will be that much more frustrating because your expectations are too high, thus you will be quickly disappointed and discouraged.

Children are simply going to interrupt our daily agendas and tasks and we have to be willing to turn our backs on the computer, the laundry, the TV, the phone, or whatever else and deal with our children.

There were many times when I thought that I was dreadfully ineffective with time outs because of how much my daughter fought it and had melt downs during it. But, I trusted in the process and believed that if other people can do it, I AM GOING TO DO IT!

I knew that if I was as consistent with these discipline techniques as I could be, my child would respond and flourish. My hypothesis was correct.

I have a sense of freedom and control (control of myself more than anything) as a parent now, and a child that is more positively responsive. The way it should be.

Staying Calm

I used to deal with my daughter's unacceptable behavior and tantrums with impatience, bewilderment, and tons of stress and frustration. So, I do understand you.

Equip yourself by memorizing the steps of discipline techniques. This will help keep you from going into panic-mode when your child does.

If your child is throwing a fit or screaming continuously whereby you are not able to get a word in edgewise, stay calm. Decide that you are not going to participate in the hysteria by bringing yourself down to your child's emotional level.

Hold the child firmly and repetitively tell them to calm down. Think of saving someone, that you love deeply, from themselves.

Even though the child may be screaming and swinging and kicking, they can absorb what you are doing and saying.

Restrain them and look into their eyes. Speak very calmly and with an even tone that will let them know that you love them and are there to listen to and support them, and that you love them too much to let them get away with out of control behavior.

Volume Isn't Everything

If you haven't figured it out by now, yelling, screaming, and nagging doesn't improve your child's behavior. People tend to think that always raising their voice and being domineering is the only way to get through to a disobedient child.

Your goal should be to have your child be obedient even if you were to whisper a command or warning to them. As long as they can hear and understand, they are able to determine if they want to comply or suffer the consequences.

That's why consequences need to be clearly outlined, understood, and consistently enforced. They should know how serious you are by your integrity to uphold the consequences, not in the volume of your voice.

I do flex my tone and volume a little to have a certain effect, but it's the yelling and screaming that is unnecessary.

Sometimes, I don't even clear my throat to correct my daughter. I try to stay calm and collected.

Sometimes, I give her a moment to ponder her options. Not to allow her to stall for time, but so that she knows that I'm in control of myself and the situation.

She understands that at any given time, she is only seconds away from being disciplined if she keeps up the bad behavior.

Realistic Expectations

I had some wrong ideas and expectations about parenting. For instance, I expected to tell my daughter something once, and for her to get it and comply from that moment on. Or, at least not to turn around and do it again 20 seconds later.

So, each time she disobeyed my commands (which was of course several times a day at that time), I became immediately frustrated and disillusioned.

The key to not being disillusioned is to not be "illusioned" in the first place.

I used to say and think negative, "dead-end phrases" that amounted to nothing but fuel for the fire. I still occasionally catch a dead-end phrase welling up inside and trying to come out of my mouth. But, I stop it in its tracks.

Master discipline techniques and you'll have less to be negative about!

Being a mom has shown me many things about myself. It magnified the selfishness that resided in my own heart.

When it's "all about you", you will often be disappointed and upset when things don't go your way or get really challenging.

Until we deal with our own selfishness, we are not able to deal with our child's selfishness. And, we are not going to experience true peace, joy, and success in our lives.

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