Communication in MarriageCommunication in marriage has always been a challenge for my husband and I. Between the two of us, he's much better at verbalizing his thoughts and feelings. Oh, I'm good with words, too, but he has more confidence and is less self conscious and hesitant to talk. I don't say that to discourage or frighten you. Well, maybe to give you a heads up. A marriage without the Lord has its own problems, but when you seek God's will for your marriage and ask Him to have His way and mold you and your spouse into the image of Christ, you can be sure that God will answer your prayers. Being formed into Christ's image is labor-intensive and spells anguish for any part of your flesh that is not yet "dead and buried". God is a loving God and desires for you to enjoy life, but His purpose for marriage is not that you are happy and getting your way. If your determination is to have a trouble-free marriage and for things to only ever get better without having to learn any more lessons that need learning, you will be disappointed and you will never realize your dreams. My marriage wasn't the best it could be. We had overcame some obstacles, experienced some success, and were encouraged, but life continuously pushed us down into a slump. We still lacked needed skills for healthy communication in marriage. Communication Sandwich Sometimes good communication in marriage involves constructive criticism or the potential to step on your spouse's toes. It's important to keep in mind that your goal is to make your marriage better and more exciting. If you think your spouse watches too much television or spends too much time on the computer or is too busy with a hobby, let it be known. Approach your spouse with gentility, but confidence, if you see it as a real threat to your peace, intimacy, freedom, and communication in marriage. They say to sandwich criticism between two thick layers of praise, so take that approach for a better result. You can say, "Sometimes my favorite way to relax at the end of the day is to watch my favorite TV shows. I know yours is, too. But I think it's been getting in the way of our intimacy. Let's experiment with leaving the TV off for awhile and spend more time cuddling (wink, wink). What do you think? I bet you would be excellent at that! (smile and wink again)." ;) Use praise and comment on your spouse's strengths to temper your criticism or concern in order to make your petition more easily received. I'll be the first to admit that I've thought to myself that it shouldn't take all this effort to learn a method of communication to be able to get along with your spouse, but it's reality. People are complex creatures with sensitive thoughts and feelings and we all have to either face it or struggle in denial. I have learned to face what needs facing and change what needs changing. Don't leave and never give up. Fight, fight, fight to fireproof your marriage until it is completely and officially out of your hands. You can't decide for your spouse, but do what you can to preserve your marriage. Feeling hopeless is not the same as being hopeless. Opposing Views It's common for both spouses to have opposing opinions and perspective on the condition of their marriage and individual life issues. One may say the relationship is going well and that there's been many more good times than bad. The other may be thinking they're not sure if they can last in a marriage going the way it's been going and see the marriage as crippled and lacking. Closing the gap between you and your spouse can be improved upon by cutting out activities, entertainment, tasks, and other "time-stealers" that are less important than communication in marriage. We have gotten to the point before where each of us had our own separate ways to wind down in the evenings and they often did not include the other! We settled for second-best because we placed pursuing relief from daily stress above pursuing each other. Kisses & Cuddles Read my writings long enough and you'll find that I prefer not to get graphic when writing about intimate issues. I don't see the need. You'll know what I mean and what to do with these tips. We have found out that carving out quiet time by cuddling on the couch (or whatever focuses your attention on each other) leads to much more fun than flipping through the channels looking for the least boring re-run of anything decent. Don't know what to say? Sometimes, especially if your marriage is in a communication rut, you may not know just what to say. There's more to communication in marriage than spoken words... Eliminate distractions, sit on the couch together and run your fingers through his hair or rub her back and gently and warmly pull her close. It's amazing what can happen when you slow down and take the time to touch each other in simple ways that you have been neglecting. Enough said. Cooling Down & Warming Up Personally, when it comes to romance and intimacy (including communication), I typically need to go through a process of cooling down and warming up. I need to cool down from the dealings of the day (especially when it was unusually stressful). I need to warm up emotionally to my husband. I need to transition from the mental track that I'm on at home keeping the house, raising our daughter, and building my internet business, etc. to a different track in order to give attention to my husband. Something that helps me to be more enthusiastic about intimacy is refreshing myself as it nears the time for my husband to come home from work. If I don't feel attractive or refreshed, I'm not ready for romance. Figure out what you can do to set the tone for openness, intimacy, and communication in marriage. It may be a quick shower or slow pampering. It may be a healthy snack that you enjoy and that makes you feel good. Cleaning the kitchen or finishing the laundry or letting your child enjoy a nice, long bath if that's what they like, can all lead to lowering your stress and promoting relaxation. Check out these
stress management techniques.
Likewise, if I am disorganized, irritated, or have just dealt with a stressful situation before he gets home, I'm hardly in the mood to be friendly or talk about my day! So, as the day progresses, I pull my attention more and more away from my computer and begin to think about what I can do to re-energize and refresh myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. That's how I transition from being in "the zone" to engaging and communicating with my husband. Honesty Is The Best Policy Remember, a successful marriage is possible when both of you: Trust God through trials, pain, and disappointment Are mutually open and transparent about your feelings, needs, and desires Love based on choice and not feelings Keep honesty and intimacy IN & deception and selfishness OUT What do you and your spouse need to T A L K about today? Return to Successful Marriage Tips from Communication In Marriage |
